I had a dream about you this morning.
You were visiting a house I was at, a large house that may have been a former business. In that measured tone you have when you are easing into a difficult topic, by bits and pieces you divulged a relationship that seemed to have been developing for some time and settling into domesticity.
Meanwhile I wandered the room, eventually coming to a endtable. I found things that had to go in my pocket. Soon I was taking everything off the table. I said I had to go. And left before we could say anything else.

But my morning dreams are always tortured.

Mid-August. And these posts seem to be getting a little farther apart all the time. Maybe I finally got to say what I have been wanting to say for so long. The voice that compels me to see you grows a little softer each day. I don't understand how helping you out means I am denied your friendship.
I have to wonder- if I had not helped you, would we still be friends? I'm certain that you have joys and concerns that you would like to share- why wouldn’t you give them to someone that you trust, that understands all you have endured.

Seems like every couple of weeks I'm headed up to Seattle.
And the off-ramp to your place is seeming farther and farther away.
I so very much want you to be a part of my future, though it seems sometimes now that you must have been a vision I had- a dream barely perceptible.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I won't be just another recurring appointment that whittles away at your schedule.
I don't know what to offer. But now I wonder if it even matters.

God I miss you, Joy.

Everyday, I wonder what I will put next here.
I think of the ball game we went to. You were disappointed to find that I wasn't a big fan, but I was glad just to be there with you.
I wonder if it is going to be another 20 years before we come together again.
I have had other relationships since then, but none have had the comfort. None that have your cheeks rounding upward and a little girl's laugh circling around me and holding me forever.

No less than three times have I thought of you today.
Most recently when I saw you online in my chat service.
In this current society, I know I'm supposed to be the one to contact you, but that does not seem to have benefited us the last few times.
God knows, for every time I've dropped by, there has been another time I've driven by, but thought better about intruding unannounced.
Seems like a lifetime ago that you and I walked the waterfront. We laughed, we played... and when I came to you standing on a bench and my head pressed into your bosom, I felt it was the warmest, softest sensation I had ever known.
But immediately after I wondered if I would ever feel that again. And I mourned each moment after that I would not.

After a few days of rain the sun has come out- moments before sunset. And I wonder how long before we can share again playing with our food, night drives, watching passing ships, or sitting beside each other. Saying nothing at all.

I wish I knew how long it's been since we saw each other. I'm sure it's several months, probably a year.
Passover has come and gone. I remember the times we shared Shabbat when there was no one else. There was only you and me.
And I felt warm. I felt good.
Sometimes I see people less altruistic come into your life. I see them push you around. I wish I had the secret to teach you to stand on your feet, say that you are quite all right and that only those who care about your well-being are welcome.